I Could Never Run Away From You

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 03:21:43 GMT

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
-Nickelback-

There is something in my past that I desperately tried to run away from. And this morning, it caught up on me.

It was September of last year when she told me NO, in response to my inquiry if there was/will ever be a time, even in its smallest measurement, that she would feel the same way for me. One word was it all it took to get my dreams to take on a terminal nose dive.

In the loose nights, when I had nothing better to do than dream of what could have been and with a handful of dough to spare for beer, I found myself amongst friends who were more than willing to listen to me banter . And so I spoke of how it was her loss, when, in reality, the loss I was really talking about was nobody else's but mine. I spoke of how I never really needed her. Of how i hated her. But I hated nobody other than msyelf.

There was a time when I felt mad at her, that much I'm willing to admit. I thought it was easier to be angry than to sit around wondering why she could not love me back. People saw that as an unmanly, gutless way of dealing with things when, in fact, it was just nothing but a painful resignation to the reality that things could never be. And I didnt quite know how to deal with it.

I was clueless. I was a wandering mess. I go to bed hoping that tomorrow would be the day. I told myself all sorts of lies and I allowed myself to dream, hoping against hope that come morning, they will all be true. And so I woke up in the morning, feeling more exhausted than I was the night before. My days became a huge routine of hopes and disappointments. I spent them as I spent every day of my life, desperately wishing until I found myself in a dark cell, waiting for something that was and could never be there.

So I ran away, if only to save what was left of my sanity. And for the first time, I was able to look at anybody straight into their eyes and tell them that I'm alright.

I was alright. Until this morning.

The thing that I sought freedom from has caught up on me, probably because I [subconsciously] let it. I'm finding myself going back to that dark cell, spending my days in huge routines of desperate hopes and lamentable phases of solitude. I tried to run away. God knows I did but there are just times when I love her so much, I can hardly stand it.

This is a game I know I could never win. But for the first time in my life, I dont mind being on the losing end of things because after I've looked past the pain, the rejection and the anger that festered from it, I begin to see her for what she really is- the person I'd withstand all of hell just to hold hands with.

I love her.

And sometimes, it's that simple.

i am not emo

I Could Never Run Away From You