User Profile

Freak. Weird. Kupal. Asshole. Psychotic Bastard.

Some of the labels associated with my persona all because my “mind” doesn’t fit with what the world thinks is appropriate, normal and, thus, acceptable. In a place where the mere utterance of "f*ck!" raises brows, complexity is at the lowermost part of the people’s list of “acceptable things”.

I am not a cut above the rest. In fact, my mind is no better than everyone else’s. It’s just…different, whatever that means. That’s the way it is and little can be done about it and that’s why it has been labeled as stated above. My built-in resistance to conform to how everyone thinks and behaves has given me my fair share of hasty generalizations, wrong judgments, and the nastiest of labels. Some say it’s deliberate non-conformance which, in effect, would make me appear eccentric and drawing attention to myself in the process. I say, they are wrong.

For some time now, I have been considering the idea of dwelling within nobody’s company other than my own since the way my mind works seems to register nothing but negative labels about myself. Perhaps, what should be blamed is not my twisted way of thinking but my refusal to model it in accordance with everyone else’s. Seclusion seems to be the immediate, if not the best, solution to the matter.

A month ago, I initiated what might have been a step towards solitude. Starting with solitary trips to movie houses, waking up at 5 in the morning, walking from Pasil to Abellana for swimming activities and other excursions that don’t require rubbing elbows with the others. But all these proved futile as I’m occasionally attacked by serious bouts of boredom. Strong as my will to leave the society I’m so unpopular in, loneliness never fails to get the better of me for no matter how I enjoy my own company, that compelling urge to join the pack just can’t easily be dusted off. Inherent human needs. Human nature, as many would put it.

For lack of better terms to use, I have come to think that I am caught in an existential dilemma. I’m opting to become a recluse so as to find myself, thus, in the process, find the only person able to make me feel something other than distaste for his company. But at the same time, I’m unwilling to give up my place in the social circle I am rather so caught up in because, now, an active social life has become (even if it isn’t) an indispensable factor for me to get through “my own asylum” that is fabricated society.

And until I succumb to the way of thinking this world requires,I will forever remain, unfortunately, the odd one out.

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